Wednesday, 11 January 2012 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti - Responding for the first time to recent rumors over his dual nationality, President Michel Martelly flatly denied the claims saying that he is not a U.S. citizen. Rather, Sweet Micky, his lewd alter ego, is.

"I would like to make something perfectly clear," Martelly said today on his website, Martelly.tv. "I have never applied for nor obtained U.S. citizenship, okay? Sweet Micky did. Not me."

The latest allegation came from a senate commission created months ago to investigate the nationalities of government officials. The chairman of the commission, Senator Moïse Jean-Charles, told reporters he has evidence that several members of the government, including the president, hold foreign citizenship. Martelly quickly dismissed the accusation levied against him.

"Let me emphasize here that I would never, under any circumstances, renounce my Haitian citizenship," said Martelly trying to put to rest any doubts that he is Haitian. "Sweet Micky chose to do so. Why he did it, I cannot tell you. But, that's his choice. I, on the other hand, did not."

Sunday, 08 January 2012 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti - Earlier this week, Haitian officials sent a letter to notify the Dominican Republic that they will not renew their lease after it expires.

"We regret to inform you that we will not extend your lease, which is scheduled to end on December 31, 2012," the letter said. "We trust this notice will provide you with sufficient time to secure a new residence for your citizens and vacate the premises."

According to the signed lease documents, the Dominican Republic has been renting 2/3 of the island of Hispaniola from their western neighbor since 1844 as part of their declaration of independence from Haiti. As the 168-year lease comes up for renewal this year, the Haitian administration opted not to renew the contract.

Sunday, 18 December 2011 00:00

My fellow Haitians,

This is Arnel Belizaire, deputy of Delmas and Tabarre. I would like to take this opportunity to address some contentious issues raised recently.

First off, since my famous illegal arrest on October 27 at the Toussaint Louverture International Airport, many of my past indiscretions have come to light.

Now, it is true that I have been involved in fraud, car thefts and let's just say too many other criminal wrongdoings that will fit in this one-page letter. Nonetheless, as a deputy who enjoys parliamentary immunity, I am owed an apology from President Michel Martelly for my unlawful detention.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti - On a recent trip to Haiti, television talk-show queen Oprah Winfrey surprised the entire population of the Caribbean nation by giving each resident a free car.

"I have a surprise for you today," said Winfrey speaking to a crowd in Champs-de-Mars. "Each one of you is going home today with a brand new car. You get a car! You get a car! Everybody gets a car!"

The unexpected announcement stunned and delighted spectators who came out to catch a glimpse of the billionaire media mogul.

"I'm speechless," said former Brooklyn resident Sherline Laguerre who is enjoying retirement in her native land. "I've been a fan of Oprah for years. When I heard she was visiting the country, I thought I'd come to see her, maybe get her autograph or a picture with her. Would you believe it? Now I'm going home with a Mini Cooper."

Sunday, 11 December 2011 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti - As Haiti prepares to remobilize its disbanded army, sources confirmed that President Michel Martelly has joined the popular coupon website Groupon for daily deals on military gear.

"Restoring the nation's armed forces is not going to be an easy and cheap task," Minister of National Defense Thierry Mayard-Paul told reporters. "Therefore, the president is actively exploring ways, including this new subscription, to minimize the costs associated with reinstating the army."

According to Mayard-Paul, Martelly first became aware of Groupon when he received a solicitation email from the deal-of-the-day website. The company's claim that it can its members up to 90% on various goods, Mayard-Paul said, appealed greatly to the president.

"We've been racking our brains for months trying to figure how to pay for the new army's supplies," said Mayard-Paul noting that a military tank alone costs at least $3 million. "This may very well be the solution we've searching for."