My fellow Haitians,
As you may have heard by now, my son, Clifford Brandt, was arrested last week for his involvement in the kidnapping of two children. All of you are rightly shocked by the news. Though I'm disappointed, I have to say I'm not entirely surprised Clifford was caught.
You see, if anyone can ruin a good abduction scheme, believe me, it's my Clifford. I love him to death but he does a half-assed job at everything he does. That's just like him.
I mean, how hard is it to screw up a kidnapping plot? It's not exactly rocket science. All you have to do is select and abduct the target, hide the hostage in a secret location and make demands in exchange for their release. Pretty straightforward if you ask me. It has been done successfully hundreds of times.