A Letter From Fritz Brandt

Wednesday, 31 October 2012 00:00
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My fellow Haitians,

As you may have heard by now, my son, Clifford Brandt, was arrested last week for his involvement in the kidnapping of two children. All of you are rightly shocked by the news. Though I'm disappointed, I have to say I'm not entirely surprised Clifford was caught.

You see, if anyone can ruin a good abduction scheme, believe me, it's my Clifford. I love him to death but he does a half-assed job at everything he does. That's just like him.

I mean, how hard is it to screw up a kidnapping plot? It's not exactly rocket science. All you have to do is select and abduct the target, hide the hostage in a secret location and make demands in exchange for their release. Pretty straightforward if you ask me. It has been done successfully hundreds of times.

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Marché En Fer Street Vendors Tout Merger

Monday, 15 October 2012 00:00
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PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Seeking to improve their competitiveness against larger street vendors in the crowded and bustling Marché en Fer, street merchants Nap Boulé S.A. and Piti Piti S.A. have joined forces in an unprecedented merger deal on Monday.

"Face it, in this era of intense competition, you need all the resources you can get to fight for customers," Maturin Eliazer, who will head the newly combined street vending entity, Nap Boulé Piti Piti S.A., told reporters. "This merger will help us do just that."

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T-Vice Announces Plans To Perform Only A Cappella Music

Tuesday, 04 September 2012 00:00
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MIAMI, FL – Members of T-Vice, a popular Haitian musical group known largely for their energectic sounds, shocked the music world by announcing that they intend to perform only a cappella music in the future.

"From this day forward, we are going to perform without instruments," band co-founder and maestro Reynaldo Martino told reporters. "Everything you'll hear will be purely our voices."

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Local Man Disappointed Martelly Has Not Done Anything Outrageous Yet

Wednesday, 18 July 2012 00:00
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MIRAGOANE, Haiti – Antoine Derisma, a Miragoane-area Martelly supporter, announced his great disappointment Wednesday after Martelly failed to commit any outrageous acts since taking office.

"It's been over a year," said a visibly disappointed Derisma. "Where are the shocking antics Martelly is well known for?"

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Due To Typo, Parliament Ratifies Flaurent Mamothe, A Six-Year-Old From Léogane

Wednesday, 09 May 2012 00:00
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PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Haitian officials were baffled this week when they discovered that a typographical error officially named Flaurent Mamothe, a six-year-old boy from Léogane, as the next prime minister.

According to lawmakers, a clerical error has resulted in Flaurent Mamothe appearing instead of Laurent Lamothe in the final ratification draft.

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'Community Must Learn Creole,' Says Lone Haitian Man Living In Community

Wednesday, 02 May 2012 00:00
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LAUREL, MT – Speaking in his native tongue, local Haitian man Thénord Bonhomme continues to urge fellow residents to make a more concerted effort to learn and master the Creole language.

"Let me start by saying that this is a great community," said Bonhomme, the only person in Laurel who speaks Creole. "But sadly too many in our community don't speak Creole."

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