Parliament Postpones Ratification Of Lamothe's Girlfriend

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – In a political and romantic blow to Prime Minister Laurent Lamothe, the first attempt to ratify his girlfriend, supermodel Petra Nemcova, was postponed indefinitely by parliament.

Lamothe Now Going Door-to-Door To Question Residents In New Approach To War On Corruption

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Acknowledging that his recently launched anti-corruption initiative has done little to curb widespread corruption, Prime Minister Laurent Lamothe has embarked on a door-to-door tour of the country in an effort to expose and deal promptly with offenders.

Thrill Of Cutting Ribbon Causing Martelly To Inaugurate Everything In Sight

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Witnesses confirmed this afternoon that President Michel Martelly, reeling from the thrill of inaugurating the new Best Western hotel in Petion-Ville, is presiding over several impromptu ribbon cutting ceremonies across the country.

Sources told reporters Martelly's act of inaugurating everything in his sight was met with confusion from bewildered citizens.

Pope’s First Order Of Business To Grant Lionel Messi Sainthood

VATICAN CITY – Less than one day after being elected as head of the world's 1.2 billion Roman Catholics, Argentinian Pope Francis announced that his first order of business will be to grant fellow countryman Lionel Messi sainthood.

"The process for being canonized as a saint can be quite lengthy ranging from decades to centuries. It involves selecting an exemplary individual and the recognition of three approved miracles," said press spokesman Father Federico Lombardi making the case for the Barcelona forward. "Anyone who has seen Lionel Messi will attest he is simply a miracle worker. He makes miracles happen time and time again on the football field."

Parliament Preemptively Censures Arnel Belizaire

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Citing Deputy Arnel Belizaire's history of erratic and degrading behavior, lawmakers in Haiti's parliament took pre-emptive action against Belizaire, voting unanimously to censure him for future inappropriate acts.

"It may be next week or next month, but one thing we know for certain is that Belizaire will engage in some act unbecoming of an elected official," said Levaillant Louis-Jeune, chairman of the adjudicatory committee, describing the rare move. "Today's vote expresses in advance our strong disapproval of the reprehensible actions Belizaire will commit in the near future."

Zombie François Duvalier Terrorizing Port-au-Prince Until Charges Against Jean-Claude Are Dropped

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Port-au-Prince was thrown into sheer chaos and terror today following reported attacks by the reanimated corpse of former dictator François "Papa Doc" Duvalier.

According to terrified eyewitnesses, Papa Doc's carcass has returned from the grave to terrorize residents until all the charges laid against his son Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier are dismissed.