VATICAN CITY – Less than one day after being elected as head of the world's 1.2 billion Roman Catholics, Argentinian Pope Francis announced that his first order of business will be to grant fellow countryman Lionel Messi sainthood.
"The process for being canonized as a saint can be quite lengthy ranging from decades to centuries. It involves selecting an exemplary individual and the recognition of three approved miracles," said press spokesman Father Federico Lombardi making the case for the Barcelona forward. "Anyone who has seen Lionel Messi will attest he is simply a miracle worker. He makes miracles happen time and time again on the football field."