Thursday, 09 May 2013 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – More than nine years after being away from politics, former President Jean-Bertrand Aristide told hordes of adoring supporters, who poured onto the streets yesterday to greet him, that they have inspired him to regain the office of president and be overthrown in a coup d'état shortly thereafter.

Tuesday, 07 May 2013 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – In a political and romantic blow to Prime Minister Laurent Lamothe, the first attempt to ratify his girlfriend, supermodel Petra Nemcova, was postponed indefinitely by parliament.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Acknowledging that his recently launched anti-corruption initiative has done little to curb widespread corruption, Prime Minister Laurent Lamothe has embarked on a door-to-door tour of the country in an effort to expose and deal promptly with offenders.

Monday, 08 April 2013 00:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti – Witnesses confirmed this afternoon that President Michel Martelly, reeling from the thrill of inaugurating the new Best Western hotel in Petion-Ville, is presiding over several impromptu ribbon cutting ceremonies across the country.

Sources told reporters Martelly's act of inaugurating everything in his sight was met with confusion from bewildered citizens.

Thursday, 14 March 2013 00:00

VATICAN CITY – Less than one day after being elected as head of the world's 1.2 billion Roman Catholics, Argentinian Pope Francis announced that his first order of business will be to grant fellow countryman Lionel Messi sainthood.

"The process for being canonized as a saint can be quite lengthy ranging from decades to centuries. It involves selecting an exemplary individual and the recognition of three approved miracles," said press spokesman Father Federico Lombardi making the case for the Barcelona forward. "Anyone who has seen Lionel Messi will attest he is simply a miracle worker. He makes miracles happen time and time again on the football field."