Thursday, 14 March 2013 00:00

VATICAN CITY – Less than one day after being elected as head of the world's 1.2 billion Roman Catholics, Argentinian Pope Francis announced that his first order of business will be to grant fellow countryman Lionel Messi sainthood.

"The process for being canonized as a saint can be quite lengthy ranging from decades to centuries. It involves selecting an exemplary individual and the recognition of three approved miracles," said press spokesman Father Federico Lombardi making the case for the Barcelona forward. "Anyone who has seen Lionel Messi will attest he is simply a miracle worker. He makes miracles happen time and time again on the football field."

Sunday, 22 August 2010 00:00

PARIS, France - According to sources close to French President Nicolas Sarkozy, a landmark agreement to repay Haiti reparations is near completion. The treaty will require France to pay Haiti 10 billion Euros and send soccer player, Thierry Henry, to the poor Caribbean country.

"We believe this historic arrangement will settle all reparations issues. Not only will we pay the huge sum, we will also sweeten the deal by giving Haiti the world's greatest striker, Thierry Henry," said Sarkozy. "With Thierry's help, Haiti will surely qualify for the 2014 World Cup."

Haitian officials swiftly rejected the deal saying that the proposal is a low-ball offer. 

"This offer is completely unacceptable. First of all, the amount owed is roughly 17 billion Euros," argued Haiti's President Rene Preval. "Second of all, Thierry is well past his prime."