Friday, 14 December 2012 00:00

A Letter From President Michel Martelly

My fellow Haitians,

For more than a year, it's been an honor and a privilege to serve as your president. And during this time, as you know, I made frequent international trips to increase our nation's profile and attract foreign investment. There is no greater pleasure in the world than representing our country overseas and luring new business. So, my fellow citizens, I am thrilled to take this opportunity to share with you my new plan to draw foreign direct investment into our country.

After giving it a lot of thought, I have come to the decision to spend most, if not the entire, coming year abroad promoting Haiti.

Let's face it. Haiti cannot do it alone. Foreign investment is vitally important to our future prosperity. In order to urgently bring substantial investment flows to our homeland, I intend to spend nearly every single day in 2013 overseas to encourage international investors to come to our country. In fact, I will barely set foot in Haiti next year.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012 00:00

My fellow Haitians,

As you may have heard by now, my son, Clifford Brandt, was arrested last week for his involvement in the kidnapping of two children. All of you are rightly shocked by the news. Though I'm disappointed, I have to say I'm not entirely surprised Clifford was caught.

You see, if anyone can ruin a good abduction scheme, believe me, it's my Clifford. I love him to death but he does a half-assed job at everything he does. That's just like him.

I mean, how hard is it to screw up a kidnapping plot? It's not exactly rocket science. All you have to do is select and abduct the target, hide the hostage in a secret location and make demands in exchange for their release. Pretty straightforward if you ask me. It has been done successfully hundreds of times.

Monday, 16 January 2012 00:00

Dear friends,

As many of you probably know, two days after my unexpected arrival in Haiti last year, I was arraigned before a court for alleged crimes committed under my rule and subsequently placed under house arrest in Pétionville pending an investigation into the charges.

Upon hearing the court sentence, I thought to myself I know I should not laugh but the judges are so adorable thinking they can order me to stay confined to my house.

Do I need to remind them again that I am Jean-Claude Duvalier? Son of Dr. François Duvalier, the most feared ruler in Haiti's history? Not even my father could intimidate or control me. It is absolutely priceless to see this court is attempting to.

Sunday, 18 December 2011 00:00

My fellow Haitians,

This is Arnel Belizaire, deputy of Delmas and Tabarre. I would like to take this opportunity to address some contentious issues raised recently.

First off, since my famous illegal arrest on October 27 at the Toussaint Louverture International Airport, many of my past indiscretions have come to light.

Now, it is true that I have been involved in fraud, car thefts and let's just say too many other criminal wrongdoings that will fit in this one-page letter. Nonetheless, as a deputy who enjoys parliamentary immunity, I am owed an apology from President Michel Martelly for my unlawful detention.